Why We Self-Criticize and How to Stop

Have you ever noticed yourself replaying an uncomfortable conversation in your head and beating yourself up relentlessly for how you phrased something you said? Have you ever beat yourself up because your boss or colleague did not praise the work that you’re doing or recognize the value you’re bringing? You are not alone. 

The first step towards managing self-criticism is understanding why you’re doing it in the first place. It comes down to our basic needs:

• To feel worthy: It may sound backwards, but think about it for a second. Self-criticism is often used as a motivator. Maybe if I beat myself up enough about this, I will get better at it, and feel like I’m enough.

• To feel safe and secure: Sometimes we self-criticize in order to protect ourselves from rejection and brace for impact. If I tell myself how horrible I am, I won’t be caught off guard when these people reject me or when I don’t get the job I want.

• To feel accepted: We may be hard on ourselves in order to feel accepted by someone else who is hard on us. If I take on my parents’ point of view and strive to achieve what they want, I will feel accepted by them.

Understand The Origin

Try to maintain a critical awareness of the words you’re using towards yourself. Those harsh, generalized self-labels like “loser” or “failure” have a story behind them. Try to think back to the past. What is your earliest memory of these words? What is the history of this feeling? The way that people speak to us can influence our self-view, especially in our earliest relationships. Reflect on any messages you’ve received from parents, siblings, relatives, neighbors, coaches, teachers, employers, colleagues, significant others, friends, peers, and the media. 

How Is This Behavior Serving You?

Ask yourself: Is speaking to myself this way actually helping or protecting me? Or is it simply making me feel miserable and defeated as I can’t reach my own impossible standards of perfection? Or worse, is it impacting how I show up in the world? Am I avoiding new experiences and holding myself back? 

Keep in mind that cultivating a critical self-awareness and even doubting yourself are both natural parts of being human. When done properly, it can be empowering and present an opportunity for self-reflection and growth. 

Confirmation Bias

Our beliefs can amplify self-criticism. If we believe something negative about ourselves, we tend to look for evidence to complete the narrative. We also tend to disregard any contradicting evidence. 

Let’s say you have the following negative belief about yourself: I’m unlikable. You may find that you are focusing solely on examples that support this, such as not being asked on a second date. You may also be disregarding examples that contradict this, such as meeting a nice new colleague who asks you to go to happy hour after work. The way you interpret this event might sound something like this: She is just trying to be nice, she doesn’t actually want to.

Try Positive Self-Talk

This may feel unnatural at first, however if we say it enough times, we can actually begin to believe what we’re saying. Our words have power over the way we feel. If you are speaking in a kind and empowering manner towards yourself, it’s likely you will feel more confident, and in turn it’s more likely you will take risks and pursue your goals.

If this feels too difficult, start with neutral self-talk. Neutral self-talk is objective and fact-based. An example is shifting the statement I am so boring I have nothing to say to I am feeling insecure and I’m drawing a blank at the moment.

Key Takeaways 

Speak to yourself like you would a best friend, a child, a pet, etc. Our words become our feelings which become our actions. Our words are powerful. Honor yourself with the benefit of the doubt, kindness, and encouragement. We can’t beat ourselves up into making positive change but we can empower ourselves into making positive change.

“If babies held the same tendency toward self-criticism as adults, they might never learn to walk or talk. Can you imagine infants stomping, ‘Aargh! Screwed up again!’ Fortunately, babies are free of self-criticism. They just keep practicing.”
– Dan Millman

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