Tips for Navigating Common Relational Stressors During Wedding Planning
Planning a wedding can be an enjoyable experience filled with love and excitement. It can also be a time when fears and insecurities resurface, or when those familiar family dynamics and strain reappear.
I work with many young adults in the midst of wedding planning and there are common experiences among them all. My goal is to give clients a language for what they are feeling, provide tips for coping, and help normalize the side of weddings that may not be as sparkly.
All wants and needs from an attachment standpoint tend to get amplified in big life moments such as weddings and marriage. Examples of attachment needs include the need to feel accepted, to feel valued, to feel closeness, to feel like loved ones will be emotionally responsive to you. In addition to attachment needs, insecurities and anxieties may heighten. Perhaps you have friendship insecurities or struggle with body-image - it is easy for these to come to the surface when the spotlight is on you.
Let’s talk about relational stress. We each respond to stress in different ways, some through control and some through avoidance to name a few. We can expect that people will be more reactive, especially in the high stress days leading up to the wedding. While we may feel the need to respond, explain, and react, this may be the most difficult time to try to heal a wound or fix a longstanding pattern. It’s difficult to change dynamics, especially in the midst of heightened emotions, but we can learn to work within them.
Common Stressors During Wedding Planning
Conflicting expectations: Family members may have different visions for your wedding, leading to disagreements about everything from the guest list to the ceremony style.
Different family norms: How a family integrates and practices religion, how a family operates, how a family navigates stress, and different family cultures can present obstacles.
Competing needs: Ease vs. effort in decision-making, need for autonomy vs. parental involvement and expectation, need to keep the peace vs. asserting your wishes.
Financial stress: Expectations of who will be contributing, creating a budget, figuring out where to make compromises.
Family dynamics: Pre-existing family conflicts may resurface or intensify during the planning process.
The pressure to feel “happy”: There is an internalized pressure for this to be a happy process. When we don’t feel how we think we should feel, we tend to judge ourselves.
The let down: We may have family or friends who don’t show up for us the way we had hoped.
Ways to Cope
Cope ahead: Think about how you might feel and what you might need. It’s impossible to know this exactly, but we may have some general ideas. Who will be a good buffer for you? Who can you go to that reminds you of the love in the room? Who brings out a light energy in you?
Open and honest communication: Talk openly and honestly with your partner and family members about your expectations, concerns, and boundaries. Be clear about what is important to you and be willing to listen to their perspectives.
Communicate effectively: Use the DEAR MAN skill. This is a communication skill from DBT that focuses on what you need from someone and how this will benefit your relationship with them and help the situation. The goal is to increase interpersonal effectiveness and get your needs met.
Let go of shoulds: This isn’t a period of time to fixate on what should be. This is a period of time to accept what is.
Set boundaries: It’s not your job to react to every stressed thought or worry that others are bringing up. It is not realistic to worry about other people’s energies and emotions.
Perfection isn’t real, shoot for good: Rather than getting bogged down or paralyzed trying to feel 100% certainty, go with the decision that will make you 1% happier than the other option.
Feel your feels: If someone isn’t showing up for you the way you had hoped, allow yourself to feel disappointment, grief, anger, whatever comes up for you. This can be painful. Ultimately, radical acceptance can lead to forward movement. Make room to focus on who is showing up.
It’s impossible to please everyone: If you are consumed with thoughts about those around you being unhappy about decisions you’ve made, know that you don’t have to carry this on your shoulders.
Be aware of your filter: Focus on people’s potential instead of how they might disappoint you. We tend to project onto others what we don’t want to see and therefore expect the worst.
Reconnect with the meaning: The ultimate goal of your wedding is to celebrate your love with the people who you care about and who care about you most.
Involve people in meaningful ways: If you feel pressure to make people feel special but you don’t want to do it in the way they want, that’s okay! You can get creative with small, meaningful ways to involve those prickly friends and relatives.
Prioritize your happiness: Ultimately, the wedding is about you and your partner. Don't be afraid to make decisions that prioritize your happiness, even if they don't please everyone.
Practice letting go: Set a date 1-2 weeks before your wedding with the intention that you will have confidence in your vendors and planning, and sit back and start enjoying!
Seek support: Don't hesitate to seek support from a therapist if you're feeling overwhelmed or stressed.
Wedding planning, while an exciting time, can also be a source of stress. By coping ahead, creating healthy boundaries, changing the way you relate to the process, and implementing effective coping strategies, you can navigate this time with greater ease. Remember that individual therapy, family therapy, or couples therapy can be additional layers of support. Prioritizing your mental health and remaining open with your partner can help create a foundation for a happy and healthy marriage.
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