Swipe Right on Self-Love: Overcoming Dating Anxiety
by Gabrielle Morse, LMHC and Taylor Chodash, LMHC
As two New York based psychotherapists who specialize in dating and relationships, we have seen dating anxiety come up more than ever before. Dating in today’s day and age can feel challenging since people are craving connection and authenticity, yet feeling disconnected and anxious. As relational therapists, our work aims to address this tension.
Is the thought of swiping right enough to send your heart racing? Do first dates feel more like job interviews than opportunities for connection? You're not alone.
This blog is your guide to navigating the ups and downs of dating with a focus on understanding and managing anxiety. Together, we'll explore the root causes of dating anxiety, discuss practical strategies to overcome it, and reflect on the key to building meaningful and lasting connections.
Attachment Styles
Have you considered that the way you approach dating could be connected to your attachment style? Attachment styles impact all aspects of dating - from the partners we select to our relationship dynamics. The attachment that we experienced in our upbringing with our caregivers often becomes mirrored in our romantic relationships as adults. Understanding these relational patterns can be an integral part in knowing what your needs are through the dating process. For example, to avoid the threat of rejection or abandonment, someone with an anxious attachment style may feel compelled to constantly impress their dating partner, suppressing their authentic selves. With that said, it can help to ask yourself: what version of myself am I bringing to the table when I meet new dating prospects?
Understanding how our attachment styles inform our dating experiences is a helpful first step. However, it’s equally important to recognize that dating anxiety can show up in a variety of ways regardless of attachment style.
How Anxiety Shows Up & Tips to Overcome It
I don’t want to sound too needy: One common challenge is the fear of asking the question “what are we?” It can feel needy to want clarity, yet having clear expectations and vocalizing your feelings is a healthy type of communication that can set the foundation for direct and honest conversations in the future.
What if I say the wrong thing: When thinking about the dating phase, it is important to remember that you cannot say the wrong thing to the right person. It is very common to ruminate on the best way to formulate a text or to overthink whether you should have opened up about your sister, job, or mental health struggles. The right person will embrace these authentic parts of you.
What if my date doesn’t text me back: While it’s hard to sit with the vulnerability and uncertainty of the dating process, it’s actually an opportunity to check in with your feelings and bring the focus back to you. How do you feel about this connection? What do you need to see happen in order to know it’s a good fit for you?
I like my date, but what if I’m missing out: Let’s discuss the paradox of choice. When we have so many options to choose from at our fingertips (literally!), we never feel satisfied. This can actually be to the detriment when always looking for the “next best person” on dating apps. To navigate this, we encourage you to give dates a proper “go,” - be present and authentically you and take the time to reflect on if this person aligns with your values, needs and expectations.
My heart is racing on the date: Don't judge the physical symptoms of anxiety - when we judge them, they tend to worsen. Instead, show acceptance towards them and focus on regulating the nervous system (i.e. put your hand around an ice cold glass of water, focus on your senses, take deep breaths).
I must mold myself to fit what I think others want to see: Check in with the part of yourself that may be people pleasing. People pleasers have a tendency to prioritize the needs of others without checking in with their own feelings about a potential partner. What is it that you need in the relationship? What do you fear if you were to express your needs to someone else? Are you trying to avoid conflict?
I’m terrified of getting rejected: The prevalence of ghosting can exacerbate this feeling. This can trigger feelings of abandonment, insecurity, and rejection for those that are on the receiving end of this behavior. We encourage you to examine your relationship with rejection and with shame. Remain mindful of any negative self-beliefs it brings up. Try to focus on compatibility and the reality that not everyone will be a good match.
I need to keep swiping to feel confident and good enough: The gamification of dating can have unintended consequences. The constant swiping can become addictive, as people may find themselves chasing validation through likes and matches. This relentless pursuit of social acceptance can feed anxiety. If you tend to tie your self-worth to this process, create healthy boundaries with dating apps.
I just want to stay home instead: This is the part of you that believes you should run from discomfort. We must learn to tolerate discomfort and vulnerability in order to have deep and meaningful relationships. Being comfortable with being uncomfortable is where there is room for deep connection and growth!
I am already planning our wedding: It is normal and fun to feel excited about a strong spark or shared interests, but remain mindful of fantasizing and filling in the gaps. This can lead you to project an idealized image that doesn't match reality, leading to disappointment. We recommend both allowing excitement and grounding yourself in the present, as compatibility is revealed over time.
The Illusion of "Someday": This often happens when we focus on someone’s potential rather than their present self, hoping they'll transform into our ideal partner. This might stem from a part of you that due to past experiences or your attachment style, you fall in love with being able to fix someone rather than the person themselves. Remember, you deserve to have your needs met in the present.
If you can relate to any of these, you’re not alone. Keep in mind that dating anxiety can be an obstacle to genuine connection. This protective armor, while initially intended to shield us from hurt, can block the intimacy and authenticity that we crave in relationships. When anxiety lessens, we're better equipped to be present, leading to more meaningful interactions.
Learn more about Taylor Chodash, LMHC and her work here >
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