You're Not Alone in Your Experience of Loneliness
As the seasons change and people wind down for the colder months, I’ve come across a common sentiment – winter months bring the onset of boredom and feeling alone.
It’s important to note that being alone and feeling lonely are different, as you can feel lonely in the presence of hundreds. It’s often when we feel disconnected from ourselves and others that we experience this.
Everyone experiences alone time and loneliness differently. The next time you find yourself alone, question your relationship with that solitary time. What thoughts and feelings do you notice? What is most uncomfortable to sit with?
The following scenarios are a few common instances of loneliness and suggestions for how to adjust your thinking.
Comparison is the Thief of Joy
You find yourself feeling lonely on the weekends. You notice through social media that your peers seem to have more social plans. You compare yourself and think, “I’m not doing enough.”
Suggestion
Ask yourself what expectations you bring to socializing. If these expectations are formed by what you see on social media, you may begin to think, “if I don’t fulfill those expectations, I’m a failure.” The result is expectation overrides choice. If you struggle with holding yourself to the expectations that society has, then you are not allowing yourself to exercise your choice. What would it be like to release yourself from these expectations? Then your social life and social plans will be your choice instead of what society tells you you’re supposed to be doing. This can set you up for success and minimize any feelings of shame, wrongness, or failure. You can rewrite your own story.
The After Thoughts
You have a busy and stimulating social life. The moment you get home from plans you feel overwhelmed with loneliness. You lose connection with that good feeling.
Suggestion
This is an example of black-and-white thinking where there is no grey area or middle road in your thinking pattern. If you find yourself struggling with this, try to identify a middle place where things aren’t good or bad, they just are. This place is not invigorating nor is it troubling. While this isn’t an exciting solution that creates emotional energy, the purpose is to prevent you from drowning emotionally. One way to tolerate this gray area a bit more is to practice gratitude.
Stuck in Your Own Head
When you’re alone, you tend to overthink. You’d rather have the distraction of other people than sit with your thoughts and feelings.
Suggestion
While this may seem counterintuitive, sitting with that discomfort is a good thing. When we allow our feelings to come up, we have a better sense of what we need. A mindful activity – something that brings you into the present moment and helps you focus on what is right in front of you – can help with overthinking and intrusive thoughts. Journaling is an excellent outlet. Looking for safety and security in others is in our nature. However, we weren’t made to rely on only one resource. Finding ways to experience safety and security within ourselves is important. This is something that can be explored in therapy.
The words you say to yourself are powerful, so be mindful of this as you are socializing and when you are alone.
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