A Guide to Gaslighting: Identifying and Addressing Manipulation
The word gaslighting was Merriam-Webster’s 2022 word of the year. By definition, gaslighting is a form of manipulation in which someone attempts to create self-doubt and confusion for another person. Gaslighters twist their victims’ sense of reality and often put them in a state of cognitive dissonance where they are caught between two realities – what they perceive and what they’re being told. Imagine warm air coming down on a cold ocean – the two create fog. When we are in fog, we don’t see clearly and it becomes easy to feel anxious and lose our way.
Origins of gaslighting
It can be challenging to notice gaslighting as it is happening, especially if you have a history of exposure. For example, if you had parents or a significant other who were abusive and then denied their behavior, it may be difficult for you to discern what is abusive.
Our susceptibility to gaslighting has much to do with our early relationships. Let’s say you grew up in a family where you had to agree to an alternate version of reality to keep the peace. For example, a parent is struggling with alcoholism. The child notices and brings it up. The parent makes excuses for their actions and may tell the child that they are “overreacting” in order to cover up their drinking. The child becomes confused and learns to subscribe to the addicted parent’s reality.
Impact of gaslighting
Here is one way to look at the impact of gaslighting if you grew up with a similar family dynamic. Let’s say you are standing in a room with a red wall and a blue wall. Somebody comes in and tells you the walls are pink and gray. You may be quicker to doubt your original observation of the colors.
Now let’s say you grew up in a family without gaslighting. Your parents allowed for differences in opinions and perspectives. It is likely easier for you to stick to your own viewpoints and therefore protect yourself from manipulation.
The outcome: You’re standing in this same room and somebody tells you the walls are pink and gray. You are more likely to stand up and say, “I see red and blue.”
Signs of gaslighting
Gaslighting is more common than you may think. It can happen in various situations – family dynamics, romantic relationships, the workplace, politics, cultural events, instances involving race, and more.
Examples of gaslighting
Imagine you are in a romantic relationship and your partner is emotionally abusive. You are hurt and express these feelings. Your partner responds with, “It’s not that bad, other people have it worse.” The abuser is deflecting responsibility by highlighting that other people are more abusive. This invalidates your feelings, making you question your own experience, and could even make you feel guilty for feeling this way. Gaslighting in relationships can become confusing for the victim to the point where the victim no longer recognizes this as abuse and stays in the relationship.
You may have grown up with parents who were unable to meet your emotional needs. When you tried to express your feelings, you received messages such as, “you’re being overly emotional about this” or “you shouldn’t feel that way.” The family did not make room for unique feelings and failed to respond. You came to view your feelings as burdensome and unimportant.
Let’s say you are working for a company with a toxic work culture. Your boss is belittling your performance and credibility based on her own judgments and biases. The facts – your progress, successes, and wins – are irrelevant. When you try to speak up, your boss says, “you are the only one who is saying this – nobody else feels this way” and “you have it so good.”
The good news
You can heal from relationships in which you were gaslit. The presence of emotionally safe relationships can help you recover and better discern manipulative behavior.
Knowing the signs of gaslighting is the first step. It is possible to create boundaries or leave an abusive situation. With the help of a therapist, you can also improve your ability to notice and feel empowered to respond to gaslighting.
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